everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
