Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
