so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
