hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
