I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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