ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
