Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
