Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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