I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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