By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My breasts were aching with rage.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
