just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
