just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's blow job season.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
