the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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