next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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