last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
