Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
