I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you didnt know i had herpes?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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