We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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