He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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