i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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