Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
