They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i think i just lost a toe
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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