I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
