Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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