what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
