I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
