i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
