I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
