We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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