So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
my poor anus
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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