can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
