Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
