I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
