I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
