my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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