I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
