You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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