I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
