I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
