I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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