I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
