I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
