So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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