he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
