I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
