When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
