I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
