I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
