If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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