Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
