When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
