worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
FUCK WHALES
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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